The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman · Laurence Sterne

Volume III, Chapter 61

181 of 315 · 3 min of reading

WE should begin, said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little towards my mother’s, as he opened the debate----We should begin to think, Mrs. Shandy, of putting this boy into breeches.----

We should so,--said my mother.----We defer it, my dear, quoth my father, shamefully.----

I think we do, Mr. Shandy,--said my mother.

----Not but the child looks extremely well, said my father, in his vests and tunicks.----

----He does look very well in them,--replied my mother.----

----And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my father, to take him out of ’em.----

----It would so,--said my mother:----But indeed he is growing a very tall lad,--rejoined my father.

----He is very tall for his age, indeed,--said my mother.----

----I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth my father, who the deuce he takes after.----

I cannot conceive, for my life, said my mother.----

Humph!----said my father.

(The dialogue ceased for a moment.)

----(I am very short myself,--continued my father gravely.

You are very short, Mr Shandy,--said my mother.

Humph! quoth my father to himself, a second time: in muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from my mother’s,--and turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half.

----When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a higher tone, he’ll look like a beast in ’em.

He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my mother.

----And ’twill be lucky, if that’s the worst on’t, added my father.

It will be very lucky, answered my mother.

I suppose, replied my father,--making some pause first,--he’ll be exactly like other people’s children.----

Exactly, said my mother.----

----Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father: and so the debate stopp’d again.

----They should be of leather, said my father, turning him about again.--

They will last him, said my mother, the longest.

But he can have no linings to ’em, replied my father.----

He cannot, said my mother.

’Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father.

Nothing can be better, quoth my mother.----

----Except dimity,--replied my father:----’Tis best of all,--replied my mother.

----One must not give him his death, however,--interrupted my father.

By no means, said my mother:----and so the dialogue stood still again.

I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth time, he shall have no pockets in them.----

----There is no occasion for any, said my mother.----

I mean in his coat and waistcoat,--cried my father.

----I mean so too,--replied my mother.

----Though if he gets a gig or top----Poor souls! it is a crown and a sceptre to them,--they should have where to secure it.----

Order it as you please, Mr. Shandy, replied my mother.----

----But don’t you think it right? added my father, pressing the point home to her.

Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr. Shandy._----

----There’s for you! cried my father, losing his temper----Pleases me!----You never will distinguish, Mrs. Shandy, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of convenience.----This was on the Sunday night:----and further this chapter sayeth not.

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End of part 181 of 315