The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman · Laurence Sterne

Volume IV, Chapter 15

238 of 315 · 2 min of reading

----But it is an indubitable verity, continued I, addressing myself to the commissary, changing only the form of my asseveration----that I owe the king of France nothing but my good will; for he is a very honest man, and I wish him all health and pastime in the world----

Pardonnez moi--replied the commissary, you are indebted to him six livres four sous, for the next post from hence to St. Fons, in your route to Avignon--which being a post royal, you pay double for the horses and postillion--otherwise ’twould have amounted to no more than three livres two sous----

----But I don’t go by land; said I.

----You may if you please; replied the commissary----

Your most obedient servant----said I, making him a low bow----

The commissary, with all the sincerity of grave good breeding--made me one, as low again.----I never was more disconcerted with a bow in my life.

----The devil take the serious character of these people! quoth I--(aside) they understand no more of Irony than this----

The comparison was standing close by with his panniers--but something seal’d up my lips--I could not pronounce the name--

Sir, said I, collecting myself--it is not my intention to take post----

--But you may--said he, persisting in his first reply--you may take post if you chuse----

--And I may take salt to my pickled herring, said I, if I chuse--

--But I do not chuse--

--But you must pay for it, whether you do or no.

Aye! for the salt; said I (I know)----

--And for the post too; added he. Defend me! cried I----

I travel by water--I am going down the Rhône this very afternoon--my baggage is in the boat--and I have actually paid nine livres for my passage----

C’est tout egal--’tis all one; said he.

Bon Dieu!_ what, pay for the way I go! and for the way I do not go!

----C’est tout egal;_ replied the commissary----

----The devil it is! said I--but I will go to ten thousand Bastiles first----

O England! England!_ thou land of liberty, and climate of good sense, thou tenderest of mothers--and gentlest of nurses, cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was beginning my apostrophè.

When the director of Madam Le Blanc’s conscience coming in at that instant, and seeing a person in black, with a face as pale as ashes, at his devotions--looking still paler by the contrast and distress of his drapery--ask’d, if I stood in want of the aids of the church----

I go by WATER--said I--and here’s another will be for making me pay for going by OIL.

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End of part 238 of 315